Category: Uncategorized

By Josh Kane

Chit.com Staff Satirist 8/15/26

Scientists have announced a discovery that could finally provide relief to millions of tired people who have already tried coffee, energy drinks, staring blankly into the refrigerator, and complaining about how tired they are.

According to a new study, sleep is a thing that sometimes might happen when a tired person closes their eyes, lies still, and relaxes for an extended period of time.

Even more surprisingly, researchers believe humans may actually need it.

“We noticed that subjects who closed their eyes and stopped looking at their phones occasionally lost consciousness for several hours,” said Cassidy Bunn, researcher at the National Institute for Being Quiet. “When they reopened their eyes, many reported feeling less terrible.”

For decades, experts believed exhaustion was simply a personality trait found in parents, healthcare workers, and anyone who begins a sentence with, “I only got three hours last night.”

The new research suggests tiredness may instead be the body’s way of requesting sleep.

The study followed 600 adults who claimed they could not sleep. Scientists placed half of them in a dark, quiet room and instructed them to close their eyes. The other half remained on the couch watching videos with the volume turned all the way up while checking emails and remembering every embarrassing thing they had done since middle school.

The first group was significantly more likely to fall asleep.

The second group purchased several things they did not need and got into an argument in the comments section of a video about air fryers.

Scientists caution that closing your eyes does not guarantee sleep. Some participants reported accidentally thinking, which can delay the process indefinitely.

“You close your eyes, and suddenly your brain wants to discuss something you said to a cashier in 2007,” explained Shelby Ferral, a senior unconsciousness analyst. “There is currently no cure.”

Experts recommend sleep at night, preferably in a bed. Early trials suggest beds may be more effective than office chairs, kitchen floors, or briefly losing consciousness at a red light.

Still, many Americans remain skeptical.

“I don’t have time for eight hours of sleep,” said local entrepreneur Max Langley. “I sleep four hours, drink six coffees, and spend the afternoon wondering why my heart feels judgmental.”

Langley later clarified that he could sleep if he wanted to. He simply prefers waking up exhausted so he can post about discipline.

Further research is needed, but scientists remain optimistic that sleep could eventually become part of a healthy lifestyle alongside drinking water, eating vegetables, and occasionally going outside without turning it into content.

For now, experts recommend that tired people begin with a simple experiment:

Close your eyes.

Relax.

Stop doing things.

Wait.

What’s the main reason that some creators consistently outperform everyone else?

Hooks. Strategy. Authenticity. Timing.

Sure.

But nobody wants to discuss the obvious advantage sitting six inches above my eyebrows.

I’m bald.

You have hair.

We are not the same.

Hair is visual clutter. Every follicle is competing with your message. You’re trying to explain leadership while your audience is wondering if that side part was intentional.

I have eliminated the distraction.

There is nothing between my ideas and God.

You spend $47 on volumizing shampoo.

I dry my entire head with the same towel I used on my ass.

We are not the same.

This is especially powerful on LinkedIn.

A bald man’s profile picture immediately communicates experience. Something happened to him. Maybe divorce. Maybe regional sales management. Maybe he spent 14 years carrying a company that called his Christmas bonus a “pizza celebration.”

You don’t know.

But you trust him.

Hair says, “I have options.”

Bald says, “I have endured.”

We are not the same.

And the advantage only grows on video.

You bought a ring light.

My skull catches sunlight from a neighboring county.

You hired someone to improve your thumbnails.

I tilt my head four degrees toward a window.

You spend 45 minutes getting camera-ready.

I wipe my forehead on my shirt and start recording.

We are not the same.

There’s also nothing you can say in the comments that can hurt me.

You’re dealing with a man whose own body looked at his hairline and said, “We’re reallocating resources.”

I watched my forehead annex territory for 15 years.

I adapted.

I survived.

I bought clippers.

Now you think “cringe post bro” is going to break me?

Please.

You still have bangs.

We are not the same.

So keep studying the algorithm. Keep buying creator courses. Keep testing hooks and posting schedules.

Some of us made a sacrifice you’re simply not prepared to make.

You’re putting content into the game.

I put my scalp in.

We are not the same.

Josh Kane
Ceremonial Mayor of LinkedIn
Righting wrongs by writing wrong.

#BaldLeadership #ScalpEquity #CreatorEconomy #ThoughtLeadership #WeAreNotTheSame

My Dearest Queen,

Yesterday, I went to the dog park for the same reason I always go to the dog park despite not owning a dog:

To find my tribe and vibe.

Some people think it’s strange for a grown bald man to stand alone at a dog park with his hands in his pockets, silently observing golden retrievers experience pure joy.
(Those people don’t understand optimism.)

I thought it would be another “normal” day of people-watching…

Then I saw YOU.

At first, I thought one of the dogs had learned to walk upright.

Then I realized you were a human woman.

A beautiful human woman.

A beautiful human woman who happened to possess the noble and majestic facial characteristics of my favorite category of wildlife.

I’ve always appreciated amphibians. In fact, frogs were already one of my top 3 favorite amphibians. Now, because of you, I know they are my #1.

The way you stood near the fence.

The way you scanned the horizon.

The way your eyes seemed capable of independently tracking separate insects.

I was captivated!

As the dogs played, I imagined our future together:

You resting peacefully on a warm rock.

Me explaining to confused relatives that this relationship makes perfect sense once you get to know you.

The two of us hosting elegant dinner parties where guests are required to remove their shoes and moisturize their skin before entering your habitat.

Then fate intervened.

I overheard someone mention that you had tested positive for Gird.

My heart stopped…

I immediately found myself hoping it wasn’t terminal and wondering if there’s a vaccine I could intentionally avoid. (Or take two of. )

That’s when I knew this wasn’t just attraction; It was destiny.

Most men get butterflies.

I got an overwhelming desire to purchase a decorative pond.

Forever yours,

The Guy With No Dog

P.S.-Your Dog was cool, too.

Josh Kane, Chit.com

Click “attend” here: https://www.linkedin.com/events/7480399806511611904/?viewAsMember=true

I used to think lawyers were trained for courtrooms.

Then the dinosaurs came back.

And honestly?

A Tyrannosaurus rex has nothing on opposing counsel who sends a 17-page “quick note” at 11:48 p.m.

When society needed warriors, it did not turn to tanks.

It turned to people who know how to say, “Respectfully, no,” in 14 different ways.

The velociraptors had speed.

The triceratops had horns.

The lawyers had:

• privilege logs
• emergency motions
• redlines
• three-hole punches
• and one associate who had not slept since Tuesday

The dinosaurs roared.

The lawyers requested clarification.

The dinosaurs charged.

The lawyers objected to the form.

The dinosaurs evolved over millions of years.

The lawyers billed in six-minute increments.

And in the end, that was the difference.

Because war is not won by strength alone.

It is won by preparation, strategy, and the ability to turn a simple dispute into a 42-page filing with exhibits A through Q.

The lesson?

Never underestimate a profession that can survive law school, Outlook, and a partner saying, “Can you take a first pass?”

Dinosaurs had teeth.

Lawyers had deadlines.

Guess who’s still here.

#Leadership #Lawyers #Resilience #JurassicWorkflow #ThoughtLeadership

We’re growing a community, and you’re invited to join!

Our Discord is: https://discord.gg/bRdENJnVth

Also follow us on LinkedIn: Josh Kane + Max Langley

Job Interview Answer Recommendation:

“You have to poop really bad, and all the stalls are occupied. What do you do?”

I immediately begin assessing available resources and identifying alternative solutions.

“Such as?”

If the men’s room stalls are occupied, I remain agile and adaptable. I may leverage an underutilized urinal asset. If the women’s room stalls are occupied as well, I pivot to a sink-based strategy.

“You’d WHAT?”

I’m results-oriented. While other candidates focus on obstacles, I focus on deliverables.

“This is a Wendy’s.”

And yet your bathroom capacity planning remains deeply flawed.

The interviewer will thank you for demonstrating leadership under pressure.(Edited)

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  We at Chit have also prepared this Flow Chart for quick reference:

A coalition of branding consultants, thought leaders, and people who bill $400 per hour to rename things has launched a major initiative to eliminate the outdated term “unsolicited photos.”

The group argues that the phrase creates unnecessary negativity around what is essentially an unexpected customer experience.

“Words matter,” explained one branding strategist during a recent webinar titled Disrupting Consent Through Better Messaging. “When someone receives a photo they didn’t ask for, calling it ‘unsolicited’ immediately frames the interaction in a negative light. We believe a more accurate term is ‘surprise content.’”

According to industry research, focus groups reacted significantly more favorably to the phrase surprise content than unsolicited photo. Participants described the former as “fun,” “unexpected,” and “something that sounds like it came from a subscription box.”

The latter was reportedly viewed as “concerning.”

Several corporations have already released statements supporting the initiative.

“We are committed to creating delightful experiences wherever possible,” said one communications executive. “Sometimes delight arrives in ways consumers may not have anticipated.”

Experts insist the issue is largely one of perception.

“If a customer receives a coupon they didn’t request, we call it marketing,” said a consultant specializing in digital engagement. “If they receive a photograph they didn’t request, suddenly everyone gets judgmental. The inconsistency is staggering.”

The movement has gained traction among professionals who believe language should evolve to reflect modern business realities.

One white paper recommends replacing terms such as:

Unsolicited photo → Surprise content
Creepy message → Personalized outreach
Harassment → Persistence strategy
Being blocked → Audience segmentation
HR complaint → Customer feedback

Critics argue the proposed changes are merely an attempt to use corporate jargon to make inappropriate behavior sound acceptable.

Supporters strongly disagree.

“Nobody is trying to change reality,” one branding expert clarified. “We’re simply changing the words people use to describe reality.”

At press time, consultants had already begun work on a follow-up initiative seeking to replace the term “restraining order” with “long-term engagement boundary.”